Time Enough
 
Another shout of overwhelming kindness and generosity rises over the general din of 'crappybehavior'.  A friend of a friend (of arguable, a friend) went to Casablanca and bought me two very nice books on the Amazigh language, as well as a nice, hardback daily planner, after hearing that I was interested in learning Shelha.  He refused to accept any compensation from me. 

I thanked the friend of a friend profusely, and was touched by his thoughtfulness.  But the truth is, I find this kind of senseless kindness to be uncomfortable and frustrating.   I can’t repay the man.  And if I do, I fear I will enter into a strange gift-giving debt.  I feel like I already have.  As I was walking away with my books in hand, I also felt a little angry.  It just felt like too much kindness after so much crap from other people.  I wanted to write an open letter to Moroccan men saying that you wouldn’t have to do such overwhelmingly nice things if you weren’t such intolerable jerks all the time.  I would trade my three books for three days without an “hola, guapa!” or kissy noises or “hungry eyes” following me as I walk to work or the bakery. 

It’s a failed attempt at balance… like the litter strewn river leading to the most breathtaking, wild-flower strewn countryside I saw between Fez and Taza.  So much ugliness next to so much beauty doesn’t even the score.  On the contrary, it’s confusing.  It doesn’t make sense.  It’s not balance.  You don’t have to give up the rainbow of wildflowers to get rid of the trash.  And you shouldn’t have to despise acts of unexplained, unrecriprocated kindness because of the prevalence of rude behavior. 

I do think this zealous generosity is a cultural phenomenon, and that I just don’t understand it.  I’ve seen it before in other friends from other areas of the world, and I found it just as confusing and frustrating.  Maybe in North America we have a limit on culturally-acceptable generosity.  I want to understand it though, so if anyone has any insights, please, by all means, share them with me. 

In the meantime, I’ll enjoy my books on Amazigh and focus on the wildflowers. 

Sonia
4/18/2010 01:29:35 am

In my class on nonprofit organizations we discussed the historical roots of giving and charity as cultural phenomena. I think every culture has slight variations on the act of giving, but ultimately, everyone feels a little better if they "pay it forward" so to speak. Some say "give until it feels good"; whereas, others say "give until it hurts." I think that in the U.S. when we give as a concept of charity, we prefer to do so either anonymously or to a group as a whole, rather than to an individual. Historians have many theories as to why this is, but we, as Americans, tend not to like to be in one another's debt, and I'd argue that this extends to much of the Western world. Receiving a gift from a particular individual generally means, in our culture, that you are required, as a civilized member of society, to give that person a gift as well. Think of weddings and Christmas. How many times have you heard, "Oh, I hope so-and-so doesn't give me anything because I didn't or couldn't afford to buy her a gift" or "I have to get them something nice for their wedding because they bought me that super expensive thingamajig"? Just because we have this neurosis doesn't mean that others do. I don't know or understand the Moroccan culture of gift-giving, but I assume, based on circumstances, that you will only be required to give a thoughtful gift to another stranger or a friend of a friend of a friend. On another note--I suppose balance is in the eye of the beholder, but I tend to agree that extremes tend not to create any sustainable balance.

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